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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Sigh..
For no reason whatsoever, im feeling upset..
I dont know..
Im weird..
11:03 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Loveless child

Ive got the guitar on my lap rite now.. Im singing away to my new song.. Man.. what a fruitful day it has been.. :) The song's about child abuse.. Yay!!!

Loveless Child

Verse 1:
These tears are dried
These tears are crying for you
Everyday
My minds a whirl
My minds deciding
Deciding on you

Chorus:
I wanna see the sun shining again
I wanna smile again, erase the pain

Verse 2:
I lie awake
I lie there hiding
Hiding from you
Mummys frightened
Shes begging now
Erase the pain

Bride:
Daddy daddy please dont hurt
These scars remain of my shame
Wheres the love we used to share
Its not the same

Last chorus:
I wanna see the sun shining again
I wanna smile again, erase the pain
I wanna see the sun shining again
I wanna smile again, erase the pain

Ok.. not much to blog about since ive been at home the whole day.. Slacking and slogging all day long... arRRr.. I juz love singing parts to Avril's songs!! WooHoOoo!! im going crazEEeeee...!
6:12 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005

Here i am.. Housewife in the making.. Spent almost 3 hrs washing the clothes, vacuuming the whole house, packing my room and parts of the house.. I am so friggin beat.. Didnt even have a proper lunch to begin with.. Phew.. But i am happy coz its much more comfortable to walk in a house that doesnt have bits of last weeks fried rice and dead spiders on the floors.. My room's so much cleaner coz all the fluff from the drumset carpet have been sucked into the evil clutches of my vacuum cleaner.. woohoo! Doing the housework is such a great workout.. WAaHa..

I finally decided what to do for OUR anniversary.. It's gonna be cute, sweet and so ME! :) Never did i expect myself to get this far with him.. So many obstacles got in our way and how the both of us, like typical imperfect human beings reacted to each other.. Cant wait for sunday.. Quick!!

Kinda miss my og in Millenia.. Heard that theyre not as "together" as they used to be anymore.. Most of them made new frenz, got into their own new cliques and hardly gather as an og anymore.. Bert's kinda sad.. But im sure he's determined to get them together again.. :)

Gosh! Gez i gtg.. Dar's waiting for me to call him.. ciaoz!
10:08 PM
Sunday, April 24, 2005

Things are so fine right now, it's a start.. :)

Spent half the day with Huiting, Abi and Niven.. Had our desserts at Billy Bombers, slurping up ice cream and munching on "The American Chunky Fries".. Tried brainstorming on the lyrics for the second half portion of my new "under-developed" song, but i gez it wasnt the right time - Motivation's not in place.. Boo.. Niven had this fetish for Abi's camera phone, often taking retarded looking pics on it.. Man, what a narcissist.. Shibz how do u spell that?

Ok anywaez.. We found ourselves walking around bugis Junction with no end in mind after that.. Abi looked for sexy bikinis, i looked for my camo 3 quartered paints, and the rest practically followed.. hAha.. Took lotsa stupid and spastic photos with Huiting's cam.. Another collection added to her online gallery..

After 2 hrs of slight boredom, we headed down to town to meet me dearestest fren, and FYI she didnt know and have never met Abi, Huiting and Niven.. Felt kinda guilty coz it was obvious that she was left out.. But after awhile, things got a lil better i gez..

Played pool at Cineleisure.. Freaking forgot how to pool but it was kinda fun actually.. Niven was the pro, and gave Abi "Pool Lessons".. Abi's a good swimmer but not on the pool table.. WAHaHaa.. *sHrUGs* Dang i am so friggin broke.. I really have to cut down on my spending.. Especially on food!! Im such a piglet...

Im really happy that things better ok for me and dar.. Am even happy for screwing someone up yesterday nite!! WaHa!! That someone happens to be an asshole who goes clubbing every night with a woman, drunk and sexed-crazed.. Ewl.. Hate these kinda bastards.. Cant blame them anyway.. Coz he doesnt have the chance to screw women in his camp back at bedok.. Poor guy.. NOT! (Btw.. Im not talking abt my dar here.. It's another pethatic loser in another camp..)

Oo.. Btw.. Love this song ive uploaded.. Sorry for all the *ToOts* and *TootS*.. But the tune is juz great! :) TatAz!
10:46 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2005

Woke up at noon today.. Freaking tired.. I know it's bad and i shud be cutting down on that..
Well.. Went to Lot 1 with dar.. Surprisingly, he awoled from camp to "meet me".. HAha.. Went hunting for his Initial D vcds, then arcading..

Things wasnt very smooth for us at the start.. Past arguments seem to change our reactions towards each other.. For instance, HE played his game of sarcasm and gave me abit of the cold shoulder treatment today.. But after a while, things went slightly back to normal.. Sad to say that at the mall, we were embarrassing ourselves more than that of keeping ourselves sane.. What happened? Dar didnt actually want me to go to the mall with him. He didnt tell me that he wanted to go to the arcade to race virtually.. All i wanted to do was to spend the remaining time with him.. So he kinda got pissed with me, telling me that we shud have gone to my house instead of watching him race, which he knew i wud find boring.. After a bit of shouting here and there, we sorta ended up laughing at each other so i gez everything was back to normal..

Watched him race at the arcade.. Gotta admit that it was kinda boring, but still i couldnt help laughing when he crashed into the curb, or drifting through a bend while he tries his best to overtake another pro racer.. He played for an hour or so, then i started to feel restless.. I remembered him saying: "Let's play a laogong and laopo game.. A game that we can play together.." But in the end, he played "Ghost Squad" and then back to Initial D leaving me as one of the spectators.. But i gez, it was kinda worth it.. For this relationship, im willing to sacrifice.. The arcade is one of his fave turfs.. Maybe i shud make them one of mine too..

Shibz.. Can someone please give me some ideas for an anniversary prezzie? I have totally no idea what to get him on our 1 yr.. Boo.. Im so bad at this..

I am so tired.. Im such a pig lately.. Eating and eating even when im not starved.. What's happening to me???!! I gotta cut down man.. Cant afford these foods to turn into tummy fats.. ArRrrR!!!!

Yurp.. Going out with my fave millenians tml.. 2 of my bestest pals from 05A3.. Miss them loads and i realli hope tml's possible.. :)
10:55 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005

Dear xxxxxx-xx-xxx,

Im sorry we never got the chance to really sit down and start a proper conversation.. Maybe it's bcoz of the language barrier - Im so bad in CL that i cant even speak a sentence of it without using some English in between.. Im sorry i wasnt able to open up to you, or talk to you abt me and ur son.. About what we were going through, or even ask how your day had been.. I gez it's hard to talk to someone so much older than me - like my parents, i dont go telling them what i face in my growing teenage yrs.. I wished i could juz chuck aside that shy and negative nature and boldly laugh, joke, and even be serious at our conversations.. I gez i am at fault for causing the trouble for u and ur son..

Often, i wud want u both mother and son to spend the quality time together, instead of ur son spending that quality time with me.. I gez i was selfish and that was wat probably led to the tension between u guys.. Blood is thicker than water.. Im like an outsider, someone whom so called "intruded" into your family a yr ago, without a brief of your family history.. Without knowing the future outcomes of this event.. What can i do, but juz watch helplessly..

You say i have to grow up, im still a kid and havent experienced much in life.. You say i have to study hard so that pple wud respect me and id learn to better support myself.. Maybe you wouldnt like it when i told u i want to be a musician, and do what i like to do.. I really want to make you proud and not let you look down on me.. It's always the same thing.. People look down on me.. It's bcoz of the way i dress and look, perhaps? My exes parents didnt like me.. No one did.. I gez, i felt discouraged and all hopes dashed.. Im sorry for refusing to spend the time with u sometimes.. Sometimes i juz cant face you.. I cant face not being able to open up to you.. I gez i can never be able to..

Your son tells me to try.. Well i am trying.. I really hope to talk to you properly.. Even though i cant speak very well in Chinese, i hope you'd accept me for being so Englishy.. Im sorry for the troubles caused between u and ur son.. Maybe u guys shud understand each other better.. Seek first to undstand, then be understood.. :) I love you.. God bless..
10:07 PM

Things are so strained right now, its like there's not even a slightest bit of conversation between us.. We dont talk, much less sms each other anymore.. It's like being ignored.. I gez he doesnt care anymore.. That's what he told me.. From now onwards, i shouldnt care about you anymore.. ill juz lan lan.. Do what you want, continue to hang out with guys.. yada yadaz..

Almost cried a river this evening.. I dont like your personality and character.. In fact, i hate it.. Then who is he actually loving? That "thing" that has possessed me? Even i am unaware about that.. Why bother telling me he loves me when he hates all that i am? I always keep my cool.. Im gentle, and i dont juz jump to conclusions and all.. Why do i always hear negatives, vulgarities, filling my ears with loud hurtful words and i cant even defend myself.. I want to keep this thing going, keep it healthy.. But i cant do it alone..

Where were you when i needed you today?

9:47 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Somehow everything's changing - or so it seems..

Sometimes i juz fantasize.. Like what would it be like if i wasnt living the life im living rite now.. What if things were different? What if i was dating some top notch musician, or what if i had blonde hair and blue eyes? Or what if i was studying at harvard university - Hell no, i wouldnt want that to happen.. Haha..

Still remembering the days when i was a study geek in lower secondary, with that long blue skirt and socks that was pulled up all the way to my knee.. That long naturally curled hair that i tied up and it wud be all messed up at the end of the day.. The days when all the upper sec "kor kors" wanted me to be their "mei mei" coz i was small, short and adorable.. When i was shy and quiet and hardly made any frenz..

Wow.. things certainly have changed after 4 yrs.. All of a sudden im wearing ankle socks to skool, straightening my hair, slapping on not too much make up on my face (including those thick eyeliner), dressing from "cute girl" to "punk chick".. Whoa.. Not so much of a goody-two-shoes anymore eh? Music sense changed, from pop to rock, to emo punk.. Character has changed, from quiet, to loud, talkative, crazy, wild and hyper.. I gez i like who i am now.. I have more frenz and i get around more easy..

Then, it was classical piano and band music.. Now, its the drums, guitar and loud link parky music.. Whoa.. Now ive started to write my own music, play my own music.. It's like all of me has evolved to something totally diff.. I used to sing to myself and didnt let anyone hear me sing my originally written songs.. Now, im singing in the classroom - juz anywhere and everywhere..

WOW!! The earth is making such quick turns.. A blink of an eye and im 18.. Wow..!!

Ok.. Shud i haf voice lessons? Haha.. :P
3:24 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Poblem's not solved and i gez it never will be..

Im not who you think i am - which means by the way you put things, they're not wat im doing.. I dont see anything wrong with hanging out with my frenz, my buddies.. Yes, some of them are guys.. But so what? Like you dont have girlfrenz? I will never be able to make you understand that you are outta your mind.. Why restrict me from things when ive done nothing to you? Have i kissed, flirted, frenched, or two timed you? I even have to keep my problems to myself and u blab yours all away.. Did i throw my anger at you when you did? Now the impression ur frenz, and worst your mum have on me is totally negative, how am i gonna face her? From the start, i cant even open up to her coz none of my exes parents liked me, and i thought, that's it.. She wont like me..

Juz when i found frenz who helped me in the greatest way possible, i cant confide in them nor be with them coz somehow you seem to want me to "spend lesser time with them" in case one hits on me.. For your info, the world doesnt evolve around you alone, my dear.. Stop thinking, stop doubting and learn to trust me coz a relationship without trust is like a broken vase - the pieces are seperated and its hard to glue them back together.. (It's ok i you dont understand this part..)

How wud you feel if my parents had the wrong impression of you? your mum wants a daughter in law who's noble, intelligent, smart, sophisticated, matured and what nots.. Im just a girl who loves her music and all she ever does is play the drums, guitar, piano to find tunes for her songs.. I dont have a future in any university and i dont think your mum likes the fact that music is my life.. I gez she doesnt like the fact that her son's gf is a musician and there's no future for one? Or that she's a punk who loves putting on thick black eyeliner one her eyes and doesnt dress like a "daddy's girl".. Im sorry im not cut out to be a doctor or lawyer so that i can earn big bucks for the family.. Why cant people juz accept me for who i am.. Is it so wrong to be myself? I love to sing and write my music.. That's me and there's only one of me.. So wat if i dress like a punk.. Have you seen wat's inside of me? I used to be so quiet and shy like a little mouse.. I used to have inferior complex and have limited frenz.. Even when i had frenz, i was left out and felt that nobody needed me.. Now i told myself to mix around more.. To make more frenz and forget the inferior complexity.. Do u know that its bad to feel out of the box? So you want me to feel that way? I thought u wanted what was best for me..

Now im not who you think i am.. Youve seen me with my frenz and all i do with them is talk, laugh, joke and be there for each other.. That's wat frenz do.. juz like what you do with ur buddies.. It's the same for me, juz that there's guys as my buddies too.. Maybe you'd never understand.. Are we gonna continue being miserable all our lives like this?

I gez i wont be able to face ur mum anymore.. And for us, i juz hope youd understand.. im not doing the things you think i am.. You keep saying, from a few months ago that itll happen.. That some ass wud hit on me.. Well see, it hasnt happened.. If there really was such a thing, it wud have happened long ago.. So reflect on ur thinking and get a life.. I really want things to get better so pls understand..
5:40 PM
Saturday, April 16, 2005

Ill be leaving..

Wont be studying anymore for the next 2 months..

Goodbye Millenia and Millenians..

Seriously.. I cant wait to start school in Laselle.. Imagine all the new people ill meet and the subjects ill take.. All of them are to my interest, not like what i learn in normal school.. Mid yr in millenia starts next month. I wonder how the year ones will ne able to cope. To me, it's juz too fast..

Will be going out with my frenz from millenia later - Some sorta farewell hangout thingy for me.. I really am gonna miss those bunch of peeps, since im leaving on Monday.. But i am happy that i aint gonna take CL anymore, or PE.. Man.. PE's like Singapore's National Service.. Well, yes to the fact that Millenia is the fittest among all other JCs, but to treat Millenians like National Servicemen? Puh-lese.. And "it is normal for you to feel giddy and vomit after PE lessons" is Definetly not normal.. No wonder you dont see alot of obese people in school.. Man..

Ive been writing a few songs.. Well, actually, a song.. It's written for my darling.. Dont know whether he'd appreciate it anywayz.. It's kinda funny for a gal to write a song for a guy.. Isnt it suppose to be like, the other way round? He wrote a song for me.. But juz the lyrics without the tune - So in other words, its juz like a long poem.. Boo.. Oh well.. Gez i gotta go.. Cant wait to get outta the house!! :)
1:53 PM
Monday, April 11, 2005

ArR!!

ArRrrRRRr!!!

ArRrrRRRRrRrRrr!!

ok.. You must be wondering why i am screaming my freaking head off.. I was waiting and waiting for Laselle to call me, but they didnt. When i got home, my dad welcomed me with open arms and said: "You got accepted in LASELLE." I was like really?! I couldnt believe it.. Not then, not now.. Man.. Im so so SO excited!

Thank you peeps who worked with me through my practices and audtion. You guys did your best, tolerated my crap and crankiness.. Man.. It was worth it eh? Thanks ws for being with me, writing the chords for my songs and assisting me throughout, giving me motivation and all.. I really thought i wasnt gonna make it.. omg.. I sound like as if i juz won a grammy award for best actress or something.. Wadeva.. I love you guys!!! SmuackzZzz!! Oh yeah.. I promised the peeps steamboat if i get into laselle.. :P Looks like they're gonna enjoy a sumptious meal after all.. HehE..

Now the "sad story".. I will have to leave Millenia and that also means leaving the great pals ive befriended there.. But dont worry.. Im not gonna forget the memories, though shortlived.. :)

Yay!! Best of all, i dont have to take AO CL and that is so so cool!! Chinese is freaking too much for me.. Took basic CL for O Levels and you expect me to do Higher Chinese in A levels?! I dont think i can do that.. Boo.. Alright.. I love Millenia still.. You guys raWk! :)
8:09 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005

Dang!!

Everything that i typed juz didnt get saved! Friggin computer..

Nvm..

Wanted to talk about my audition at laselle but i gez i only have enuf time for this lovely lovely pic.. Yummy.. :) Click here to view this yummilicious pic! :)
5:19 PM
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